Relationship in Reverse

I first felt
I had failed
long before
we faded 
out.

I felt
I’d failed
before
we faded 
back in.

I felt
I’d failed
before
we first
failed
for real.

I felt
I’d failed
at the fore,
where we 
first faced,
face first.

I felt
I’d failed
even before
the fore,
before
we first
faded in. 

For years,
I’d felt
I’d failed
without facing
the fact that 
I failed
to force
myself
to face
the facts
of my fears.

The facts, 
which, 
if fully faced,
fully inform
one fully
to transform

from fear 
to freedom,
from here...
forth.

•••••••

Try To Describe What Is Happening In Your Mind [Vol. 1]

2022.12.27
13:15-13:34
(31.9595112, -81.0506413)
///lemons.once.river

•••••••

Endless waves
endlessly waving,
"Hello...
Goodbye..."
as they live
and they die
infinite lives
in front of, and,
often, behind
our very own eyes
or wherever lies 
that thing we call mind
that is endlessly
(and needlessly)
embattled with
and ensnared by
that thing we call mine,
my very own “I”
that is endlessly
(and needlessly)
embattled with
and ensnared by
that thing I call “not me.”

And so on.

Merry Christmas (more or less)

This morning,
I called Mars
Murphy
multiple times
before making note
of my mistake,
which made me
mull over
just how much
you’ve managed
to monopolize
my mind,

and how much
I don’t mind

how much
you already mean
to me,
mere weeks
after first meeting.

Make no mistake,
we’ll make mistakes
in mindless moments and
most likely some
emotional mismanaging,
But I know we’ll keep moving,
mindfully motivated
to maintain
our momentum,
our meaning,
our mattering,
our perpetual motion,

maybe
marching
in step,

maybe

momentarily

out.

No matter
how maddening
this may be,
I aim to
maintain

the motivation
to remain
enamored with and
amazed by the
manner in which
all the seemingly
meaningless moves
we’ve made
managed
to make
our meeting
so meaningful;

the motivation
to remember that
our momentums
moved us toward
our momentous meeting,
which made a
monumental mark
on me,
moving me
to make sure
my motivations
remain unmarred
to make it
more possible
to move forward

aimed at
making more
and more
memories,
making more
and more
meaning,
making amends
amidst mistakes,
meaning more
and more,
making more
and more
matter
with less
and less,
more or less,

until we meet
our mortal fates
and merge with
whatever made us
matter
in the first place.

•••••••

A novel's worth of emotion

I could write a novel with all my emotions right now. A novel‘s worth of emotion.

•

All I want is to be in the same room.
All I want is to be under the same roof.

Even just for a little bit.
A little bit will do for now.

•

One of the hardest things about this is being able to share things. Or, in this case as things are currently, NOT being able to share things. I’m trying to remember how I was before I met her, or at least in the gap of time since Susan. And even in that case it was different. Maybe since Meredith. Doesn’t matter anyway.

But how did I deal with not having someone in particular to share everything with? Did I share different things with different friends, spreading it around? Or did I just keep more things to myself? Because ever since meeting Betsy, I’ve wanted to share everything in my life with her, good and bad. And now that it’s becoming harder to do that without feeling like I’m bothering her, I’m at a loss. I feel like I can’t really share things anymore. My excitements, confusion, frustrations, hopes, concerns, etc. They all seem trapped inside me. Writing has helped a little, but not much. I don’t really know. I guess I should just keep trying regardless.

It’s almost been a week. And nothing. Nothing holds so much. There’s so much that comes with nothing. It’s mind blowing. In that emptiness is so much concern, so much worry, so much despair, so much tension, so much insecurity.

I’m trying to keep that NOTHING as just what it is. I’m trying to keep it from becoming more and more and more. It’s just part of the depression. It’s not personal. If it were personal, she’d tell me. Surely she’d tell me. So it can’t be personal. She’s pulling away “in case something happens,” as she said. IT’S NOT PERSONAL. I CAN ONLY HELP AS MUCH AS SHE’LL LET ME.

•

Keep all that in mind, and just stay positive, stay affirming, stay loving. STAY THERE FOR HER. BE STRONG.

•

She may not have say in the matter, but I DO, and I can continue to fight through it on will power. She’s worth it.

*I’m clenching my teeth a lot lately, and becoming aware of it midway through doing it (if at all). Try to be more conscious of it. I’m sure I’m holding lots of tension.

Broken Man

I wish I had more time to try to write out all my thoughts. Better yet, I wish I were ambidextrous and could use both hands to scribble down simultaneously the chaos in my head. There’s so much to write down that it’s impossible to keep up, especially since as I write, more and more thoughts jumble into place and take some amorphous blob-like shapes in my brain. The pace is strenuous, and it’s almost like I’m not even grasping everything entirely anyway. I should try to work on either slowing down the pace or allowing myself to enter 100% into thought in order to process it all more completely.

Or better yet, both. And currently, I’m writing about process instead of the feelings I have. At least this lets me feel more in control of what I’m writing.

Think of it as a training session. Don’t move on to a new thought until the current one is written out and expanded upon. If I’m worried I’ll forget a thought, either write it down (a basic idea first, if it’s worth coming back to) or let it go. Sometimes I think I try to hold onto too much. Work on letting go of some thoughts. And that should influence me in real life instances of letting go before things get the best of me.

•

I’m ready to settle.
I’m ready to settle.
I’m ready to settle.
I’m not ready to settle.

I’m a broken man,
but I’m not done yet.
I’m a broken man,
and I’m slower and slower
at putting things back together.
I’m a broken man,
but the pieces are still here.
I’m a broken man.

I’m a broken man.
I’m a broken man.
I’m a broken man.

I’m not sure exactly what you’re after,
but I’ll be damned if I don’t try.