love

Relationship in Reverse

in

I first felt
I had failed
long before
we faded 
out.

I felt
I’d failed
before
we faded 
back in.

I felt
I’d failed
before
we first
failed
for real.

I felt
I’d failed
at the fore,
where we 
first faced,
face first.

I felt
I’d failed
even before
the fore,
before
we first
faded in. 

For years,
I’d felt
I’d failed
without facing
the fact that 
I failed
to force
myself
to face
the facts
of my fears.

The facts, 
which, 
if fully faced,
fully inform
one fully
to transform

from fear 
to freedom,
from here...
forth.

•••••••

Merry Christmas (more or less)

in

This morning,
I called Mars
Murphy
multiple times
before making note
of my mistake,
which made me
mull over
just how much
you’ve managed
to monopolize
my mind,

and how much
I don’t mind

how much
you already mean
to me,
mere weeks
after first meeting.

Make no mistake,
we’ll make mistakes
in mindless moments and
most likely some
emotional mismanaging,
But I know we’ll keep moving,
mindfully motivated
to maintain
our momentum,
our meaning,
our mattering,
our perpetual motion,

maybe
marching
in step,

maybe

momentarily

out.

No matter
how maddening
this may be,
I aim to
maintain

the motivation
to remain
enamored with and
amazed by the
manner in which
all the seemingly
meaningless moves
we’ve made
managed
to make
our meeting
so meaningful;

the motivation
to remember that
our momentums
moved us toward
our momentous meeting,
which made a
monumental mark
on me,
moving me
to make sure
my motivations
remain unmarred
to make it
more possible
to move forward

aimed at
making more
and more
memories,
making more
and more
meaning,
making amends
amidst mistakes,
meaning more
and more,
making more
and more
matter
with less
and less,
more or less,

until we meet
our mortal fates
and merge with
whatever made us
matter
in the first place.

•••••••

moving pieces

in

Just helped Jane move into her new place in Cleveland. All I can think about is CATHERINE. I did not expect this to happen—especially not this strongly.

Do I still genuinely have these feelings? Are they legitimately love? Or something else? Maybe just a “high” felt when I’m with her. But doesn’t that describe love? Who knows.

Now I need to decide whether or not to say something before we leave. I want to, feel like I need to. But I don’t know how much time there will be, and I don’t want to cut into their family time or anything else like that.

I can’t figure this out. These feelings won’t go away. I feel like I kind of need to put it all on the line in order to get the necessary resolution—either I know she’s not into it, or she is—and move on accordingly. Maybe that means I distance myself from her if I get shot down, to once and for all try to get over her.

I don’t know what the range of emotions is that I’m feeling and have been since the minute I get here and she couldn’t wait to greet me with a hug. I’m EXCITED to feel this way again; I’m SCARED to lose it again somehow; I’m NERVOUS about pushing too hard; I’m FEARFUL I won’t push enough (or at all); I’m feeling ALL KINDS of FEELINGS right now, and I don’t know what I should do about it. I love her, despite it being easier not to. I can’t eliminate the feelings; I can only somewhat contain them. The way I feel around her is UNRIVALED by any other girl I’ve ever known. I enjoy my time with her immensely. I don’t get that with anyone else (aside from maybe a few hints here and there).

I’ve been picking up on some of her peculiarities that make her stand out so much. Like how sometimes when asking a question, instead of ending on a vocal upswing, she goes up and then ends the sentence on a downturn. Something about it sounds somewhat British, maybe. But it is entirely adorable. Also, her level of thriftiness is astounding and impressive (and attractive).

I just feel like a future with her would be invigorating, challenging, rewarding, and most of all, fun.

letter to Betsy

in

I’m putting myself out there, and you’re not responding. I don’t need to know why. It’s okay. But at this point, I feel like I’m doing more harm than good by sending you messages regularly. Clearly, you’re at a place right now where you can’t talk to me. That’s okay. I won’t keep pressing. But I support you. And I’ll be here if and when you’re ready to talk. (It doesn’t have to be talking about “us” or anything like that; it can be about anything.) But I’ll be here.

There’s clearly a reason you’re not responding. I’m not trying to find out why. I recognize you need your space. I intend to give that to you. But I’ll still be here, however long it takes.