It was never you.
The problem was never you.
It never could’ve been you.
With you
I felt limited.
With you
I couldn’t trust myself.
With you
I couldn’t
let myself
be myself.
With you
I trapped myself.
I held myself hostage.
I quit embracing change,
which is to say
I quit embracing growth.
I did this
often saying—
often believing—
it had to do with YOU.
But it had
nothing
to do with you.
It’s so obvious now.
I held myself back, and
I blamed you.
Maybe not directly,
but in my actions
(or lack thereof),
I blamed you.
Sorry it took so long
and caused us,
caused you,
caused me,
so much pain.
I hope you can forgive me.
I hope I can forgive me.
I never stopped loving you,
or at least
my desire to love you
never ceased.
Or maybe it’s
the other way around.
At times I felt
hopelessly helpless,
(or was it helplessly hopeless?)
trying to figure out
how to love you more,
how to prove to you
that I love you,
which is to say,
how to trust you
to trust me
to love you.
I was desperate
for answers,
and that desperation
became its own challenge
to overcome.
That desperation got in my way.
I kept letting myself
get away with
getting in the way
of myself
I was desperate for answers,
yet never looked within.
Answers are odd.
I’m not sure
how helpful
they really are
anyway.
When I couldn’t
find answers for
how to continue
loving you,
I let myself
begin to doubt
my ability
to love you.
And then I slipped
even deeper
into doubt, about
whether or not
it was ever
possible for
the two of us
particularly
to love each other
healthily.
In the absence of answers,
and a blindness to myself,
I kept asking more questions,
misguided as they may have been.
My problem was
mistakenly believing
that my inquisition
would answer the real questions:
WHO AM I?
HOW AM I NOT LOVING MYSELF?
I hope you can understand
why I had to escape
the construct I was trapping myself within.
To recenter myself and
start seeking in earnest
to rediscover my fundamental self.
I deeply hope you understand.
If not,
that’s okay, too.
I can’t let that
keep holding me
back.
Our time here is finite...
...my love for you is infinite...
...it will never end,
regardless of
whether or not
you get that.
I get that now
because I’m beginning
to understand
myself.
I’m beginning
to understand that
it’s a process, that
it takes
time.
But—no,
AND—I’m
determined
to find
myself
in all of this.
•••••••